The Tale of Barmahogins

 The passing of. . .

Barmahogins Famretlin Decusomariamah Wattkins 


He is survived by 5 children and numerous grandchildren.

March 10, 1837 – October 31, 2024 

Burial held at Sir Winston Funeral Services International, Inc. 

Life As A Boy For Barmahogins 

He was born in a little town called Welshmavore and had a happy life with his parents as a little autistic boy. He had two older brothers that were five and seven at the time of his birth and his parents weren’t as rich so they struggled to feed for 5 mouths. His parents worked as farmers and owned a little plot of land but they earned just enough money to survive. The most brutal time for them was every winter when their crops wouldn’t grow. Because of this, they resorted to selling milk and eggs from their 3 cows and 8 chickens. As a child, he was homeschooled because he was at a different learning pace but he was never alone because he had his two older brothers that always helped him and they were practically his best friends. 

Barmahogins Early Years As An Adult

In the year 1859, Barmahogins early years as an adult were full of hard work, providing for his parents. He worked at a factory that converted wool into various different products and he earned enough money to survive and help out his parents. Then one day, he mustered up the courage to sign up for the war. He was drafted and began training immediately. He worked diligently for three years then he finally saw some action at the front lines as a soldier in the Civil War. He returned a year later in 1862 and celebrated with his family. For three years, he kept working hard to earn enough money to buy a new house. He eventually gave up because he just wasn’t earning enough money. Then, he heard that a performance was going to be played and he had the money so he bought two tickets, one for him and one for his older brother. He ended up going with his brother and watching the show. The performance was called “Our American Cousin,” written by Tom Taylor. He also got the chance to see the President of the United States at the time because he was also in the audience, watching the play. The play was about half way through when a loud bang echoed throughout the whole theater, shortly followed by screams. This was the assasination of Abraham Lincoln in 1865. 

Barmahogins Later Life

After the assasination of Abraham Lincon, he was going to continue watching the play but the actors stopped so he just went home. A couple years later in 1869, he witnessed the abolishment of slavery. Barmahogins had also heard from local gossip that a place called “California ” was founded somewhere. He is now 26 and since he served in the military for a year or two, he got the chance to work in higher paying jobs. He now worked at a company that produced glass. It was a hard job, and very hot. He was often sweating his butt off making glass, earning ¢15 dollars an hour. He worked for hours, earning enough money to buy a new house. He worked constantly for 3 years and earned a lot of money so he finally bought his own plot of land in 1872 at the age of 29 and began building his own house. He was in town one day buying more building materials when he met a girl. They clicked immediately and started dating soon after. 

Barmahogins Love Life

He met a woman at his local woodshop buying more timber for his house. He instantly connected and started dating soon after they met. Her name was Mayoma Malcoma Meatball. While they were dating, they both worked together on the house they would soon raise a family in. They finished their house a couple months later and in 1873 they got married. Her new name was Mayoma Malcoma Watkins. They held their wedding just outside of their house and invited both sides of their families. Both families were overjoyed, saying that they were perfect for each other. And perfect for each other they were. A year later, they had their first child in 1874. They named him Gilamore DaBig Watkins. For the first years of Gilamore’s life, he was just at home learning basic things like how to walk, how to talk, and how to behave properly. The year is 1876 and Gilamore is now 5 years old. He’s a smart young man and he is well mannered. Barmahogins is now 33 and his wife Mayoma is 32. Barmahogins still works at the glass factory and are earning the same amount of money, $16 an hour which isn’t bad at all. 

Barmahogins Later Later Life

The year is 1887 and Barmahogins is now 44 and his wife is 43. His kid Gilamore is 16 now and he has finished school and now he started helping his dad find out a way to live forever. While raising his child, he upgraded his house. He also started studying about physics and he wanted to figure out a way to change the world forever. He started research on a way on how to live forever. He built a little shed outside of his house to conduct his experiments. For the first years, he couldn’t get a break through, he couldn’t find anything that helped him so he and his son kept working diligently. More and more years have passed and he and his wife have grown further and further apart while he and his son have only grown closer. It got so bad to where they stayed in the shed for hours a day, only coming out to have a smoke. More years have passed, with it now being 1892. Barmahogins built a bathroom so they don’t have to leave the shed. He also started smoking inside the shed while he’s working. This is where his life took a turn for the worse. 

Barmahogins Evil Arc

The year 1897 and Barmahogins is now 54 and his wife is 53. His son Gilamore is 26 and is married, living in his own house. Gilamore stopped helping his father because it was affecting his life. Barmahogins stayed in the shed, still trying to achieve immortality. It got so bad that he stopped coming out of the shed. He started sleeping in the shed and now, he only came out for food. He didn’t even eat nor sleep with his family anymore. Barmahogins wife was so fed up with him that she divorced him. Barmahogins didn’t even show up for the case. She got the kid and the house, along with all of their money. Barmahogins didn’t care. All he cared about was living forever. He was basically homeless. He also had no money at all. His wife didn’t kick him out of the shed out of pity because that is the only thing he has. His life’s work was in that shed and he could not abandon it for anything. One day, he was going to sleep when he had a brain blast, a breakthrough. He figured out the formula and got to work immediately. He worked all night, getting no sleep, but came morning, he got it. The liquid was a bright green that had a radioactive glow. Barmahogins had already built a metal tube that was big enough for him to fit in. He spent another day making more and more batches of the glowing liquid until it was enough to fill the tube. 

Barmahogins Break Through

The year is now 1902 and Barmahogins is now 59 and his wife Mayoma is 58. His son Gilamore is 31 and he has a wife and a son and a daughter. Barmahogins informed his ex-wife that he had figured out a way to live forever and she brushed it off, telling him to leave. He went back to his shed and without hesitation, he jumped in the tube full of the glowing liquid and he started screaming immediately. His screams were so horrific that Mayoma heard and came running out of the house and into the shed. She busted through the door and found Barmahogins screaming in agony. She grabbed a shovel and started banging on the glass part of the tube. She kept hitting it with the shovel until Barmahogins stopped screaming. She kept hitting it then finally, it broke. The liquids came pouring out, touching her gown, burning it. She stepped back and Barmahogins fell out. He was very sleek. His skin was very smooth and he looked as if he were in his late 20’s. He stood up as his sleek and glimmery skin was slowly disappearing and he had achieved immortality. 

Barmahogins life in the 1900s

Throughout the 1900’s, he witnessed a lot of political changes as he moved to Texas. Throughout the 1900’s, Barmahogin married two other women since he had achieved immortality. He had a family with both women, having two children with one and three with the other. Eventually, the wives passed away, and the children were all grown up. Since he couldn’t naturally, he had a lot of time on his hands. Often at night, he would lay in bed thinking about how empty his life is. He would always outlive his wives, and he would cut off his children since he had so many. He went years without doing anything. Until he got the bright idea to sign up for the military again. He signed up in 1938 at the age of 95 but he still didn’t look a day over 20 and he didn’t feel a day over 20. He went through the pain of training again for 3 more years until the attack of Pearl Harbor. He was cleaning one of the ships when he heard an explosion. He ran up to the deck and saw that they were getting bombed. He ran to shore immediately and survived. After he survived the bombing, he went on to write a book about it and published it a year later in 1942. The book is called Surviving Pearl Harbor. Two more years later, he took part in the invasion of Europe, or in other words, D-Day. He survived with 20 confirmed kills. After that, he went on to serve a couple more years during WWII.

Barmahogins Life In The 1940s

After the attack on Pearl Harbor, Barmahogins went on to write a book about the experience and published it in 1942 at the age of 99. A couple years later in 1945, he took place in the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki at the age of 103. He returned home to Texas two years later in 1947 at the age of 105 and once again, he had nothing to do. He had no family since they all died so he tried to get back in the love game. For years he tried to connect with various women but he couldn’t connect with any like he did the first 3 times so he gave up. For the next couple of years, he did nothing. Absolutely nothing. He would go to this diner every morning to eat breakfast by himself. It was his routine. The year is now 1953 and Barmahogins is now 111. He had heard that someone was going to be crowned queen of London so he flew out to London and stayed out there for a month. On June 2, 1953, he witnessed a woman named Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Windsor become the queen of London. 

Barmahogins Life In The 1950s

The year is 1953 and Barmahogins is 111 and his first son Gilamore is now 82. After seeing the queen of London, he stayed for a week before going back home to Texas. Once again, he was left with nothing to do until one day he received a letter in the mail from his son. The note read,

Dear Father,

It’s been a couple of years. . . I am now 82 and mother passed away some time ago. I have 2 kids, a boy and a girl. I also have grandchildren now. My health is rapidly depleting, and I do not wish to leave this earth just yet for I have a prospering family with adorable grandchildren. I want to watch them grow up. So, if you happen to have any more of that immortality stuff, I would like to have some.     

                                      Your son,


Upon reading this note, Barmahogins collapsed into a puddle of tears. He couldn’t help but feel like he was a horrible father and he regretted neglecting his original family. He started making up another batch of the liquid as fast as he could but he couldn’t remember the original formula. He thought about it really hard but he couldn’t get it, so he had to put together what he thought was right. It took him three days to finally put something together and he sent it right to his son to take in small doses. A week later, he received another note from his son saying;

    “Dear Father, 

I thank you for sending me this dose of life, allowing me to live peacefully with my family, and further allowing me to watch over my grandchildren. I have also been giving my wife the same of the doses, allowing her to live with me as we watch our children’s children grow. I would assume that this package will last us at least a year. It works like a charm, one dose lasting us about a week or two. I would like to ask for another package sometime around next year if that’s fine with you. Once again, you have my thanks, as well as my wife.

Your Son,


Barmahogins was joyous hearing the good news. He sent another letter back asking if he could visit him and see his family. His son Gilamore responded by saying yes. A month later, Barmahogins had cooked up another batch of the serum and packed his bags and flew out to Florida, where his son stayed. The flight was just shy of 3 hours and when he landed, there was a person waiting who was holding a sign that said “Barmahogins”. He approached the man and he took him to the place where Gilamore resides. When he arrived, Barmahogins knocked on the door and a kid opened the door. The kid shouted back saying that there was someone at the door and Gilamore came rolling on his wheelchair. His face lit up at the sight of his father and Barmahogins ran up to Gilamore and hugged him for a minute or two. They both walked inside, and talked about their past. Barmahogins mentioned that he felt really bad about neglecting him and all that stuff. They made up and Barmahogins got to meet all of his children and grandchildren. He stayed for a week and gave Gilamore the serum. He returned home and he immediately had nothing to do once again. Since he had a lot of free time again, he wanted to learn how to use morse code. It took him a year or two to learn it but eventually he mastered it. The year is now 1955 and once more, he had nothing to do. He spent a couple months of his life making more batches of the serum for his son and his wife until November 3, where he heard another war was going on. He signed up immediately and since he was already in the military, he didn’t have to train, he went straight to the front line. He stayed in combat for 7 years, and earned a total of 57 confirmed kills. He was then promoted to commanding officer. This was the Vietnam War.